The Only Thing You Need to Do 書讀好就好

Last month I was having brunch with some old friends. We were joking about how strict our parents used to be with us and how blindly they are spoiling their grand kids right now. VERY BIG DIFFERENCE.

When I was little, my father traveled around the world, trying to look for business opportunities to be an entrepreneur. My mother held a steady job, working as a customer service representative at an American-owned shipping company. So, my Nana was my main caregiver. She is the traditional type of grandma who lives in Taiwan for most of her life but somehow her mind still stays in the 30's in China.

At age 2, I was a little princess. Nana didn't allow me to play outdoors in order to avoid injuries and getting tanned. She used to say, "You can't win the first title in the Chinese Beauty Pageant if you have an ugly scar or tanned skin."  Well, the result of her over-protection was I fell into an open sewer. It was during our once-in-a-long long time stroll outside the apartment building. I got a huge black eye plus a couple of stitches on the corner of my right eye. That tiny scar always stayed with me. And Nana never mentioned the Chinese Beauty Pageant again.

When I was in elementary school, my parents' marriage started to fall apart. My mother had a second job working at McDonald's to pay off the debt from my father's several failed business. Either one of them had time for me. Nana was busy taking care of my newborn cousin. My sister was just a preschooler who could barely talk. My mother used to say, "The only thing you need to do is study. There is nothing else you need to worry about."  Ever since then, I never asked questions about anything. I never needed to do chores. I never needed to care what happened at home. I never needed to make choices. The only thing I needed to do was study.

Years had gone by since the last time I had to study. I had a few more scars. And I never took part in a Chinese Beauty Pageant. My mother managed to pay off all debts and put us through private high school and college. When I first moved to the States living at a good friend's house, I didn't know how to do a load of laundry. I discovered that trash stinks if you don't take it out after a couple of days.

While my mother and my in-laws are doing a great job spoiling their grand kids, I continue to be the difficult mother training my kids to be more independent and self-sufficient. 

My little ones, if there is only one thing you need to do, I want you to CARE. I want you to care about yourself, the people in your life, the choices you make, and the decisions that make you who you are. 

Maybe that's a bit too much for you to comprehend. Why don't we start by finishing your breakfast by 7:45 am right now? It's a way to care for your mother's well being, and get a head start on finding a parking space at your school before it gets crazy.

之前和幾個好友一起聚餐, 大家隨口聊著小時候爸媽對我們的要求有多嚴格, 現在卻對孫子孫女完全盲目的疼愛縱容, 差別實在很大。

小時候我的父親很少在家, 在世界各地找機會, 想開公司當老闆。我的母親在美商運輸公司有份朝九晚五的工作。我的奶奶是位溫柔堅毅的老太太, 住在台灣超過半輩子, 想法卻還是三零年代的上海灘。她一口飯一首小調兒, 一把鵝毛扇一塊兒手帕的把我當名門閨秀在養, 到了2歲也不給出門曬太陽。「儂曬得喀黑皮膚, 摔個疤, 哪能拿中國小姐第一名, 是伐!」奶奶的吳儂軟語如是說。結果, 盼了好久才出門一次, 不過就在樓下散個步, 我馬上就一個踉嗆摔進大水溝裡, 右眼瘀青加縫了兩針, 眼尾的小疤一直跟著我, 奶奶也再沒提過中國小姐的事。

唸小學的時候父親生意未成, 身邊也有了別人。母親白天是外商公司的粉領階級, 晚上是在麥當勞翻肉餅炸薯條的基層員工。她身兼二份工作, 扛下了父親的債務。奶奶要照顧剛出生的堂弟, 我妹妹是個愛哭的小鬼頭, 大家都很忙。母親常對我說,「妳只要把書讀好就好, 其他什麼都不用管。」的確, 我什麼也沒管, 沒有做過家務, 沒有多問父母的事, 沒有做過抉擇, 唯一做了的事, 就是讀書。

書讀了很多年, 傷疤多了幾個, 從來也沒想過選中國小姐。我的母親償清了債務, 妹妹和我一路私立學校念到畢業。我隻身來美第一年住在朋友家裡, 連洗衣機都不會用, 發現垃圾原來兩天不丟, 就會發臭。

在母親和我公婆努力寵愛孫子孫女的同時, 我堅持做個要求很多的媽媽, 希望孩子能夠獨立, 慢慢從小事學會打理自己。

如果孩子一生只要做好一件事, 我希望他們學會「關心」。關懷自己, 感念身邊的人, 慎重處理生命中的大小選擇, 決定之後努力成就自己。

也許這對6歲和3歲的孩子來說, 還太深太難懂。不然, 你們就從簡單的開始做起吧! 每天早上在7:45前乖乖吃完早餐, 這樣我們才能趕快出門, 在其他900個學生都來上學前搶到停車位。這, 絕對是一種感念媽媽身心健康的表現。