Between Rewards and Consequences 獎懲之間的溫柔

我不知道其他已經為人父母的朋友們有沒有事先被警告過, 但是從來沒人在我生兩個小孩前先提醒我, 當媽媽是個沒日沒夜, 一秒鐘也沒得請假的工作。更麻煩的昰, 怎麼當個你自己孩子的好媽媽根本沒個準兒。不像是想吃雞塊就去麥當勞, 想看1元電影就去租RedBox, 或是看到鬼祟的人就叫條子來這麼簡單。沒有什麼秘笈或先知, 能在你不知道怎麼辦時馬上研判當時的狀況, 提供你精闢的說明和詳細解套模式。

所以當媽媽不知道該怎麼教養小孩時, 要問誰? 所有有小孩的人都會心有戚戚焉的聽你抱怨, 沒小孩的人也可以熱血沸騰發表養寵物的經驗, 要是問到個老師或是教練, 說起獎懲孩子總好像是個權威。但我總覺得,不管別人的方法多好, 建議多誠懇, 自己的孩子該怎麼教, 好像還是得自己斟酌看著辦。

我四歲半的兒子打小就是個開心友善的寶貝, 1歲半坐在推車裡就猛跟陌生人傻笑揮手。開始學說話後觀察力超強, 記得媽媽怎麼開車才是回家的路。三歲開始上學後好喜歡老師和同學, 周末還沮喪的問為什麼學校不開門。4歲左右愛耍寶, 更愛上老卡通"Tom&Jerry", 去公園五分鐘內跟其他陌生小孩變很熟打成一片。但是多話熱忱的一體兩面, 就是愛管閒事, 碎嘴, 和缺乏自我控制。常常在上課時急著要聊天, 午餐時忙著搞笑忘了吃飯, 跆拳道練習時在關心新同學, 顧不了要站直排隊。最後結果就是一天到晚被帶離現場, 到旁邊去冷靜。在老師和教練多次失去耐性後, 兒子在其他同學和家長前有心無意的被貼了標籤。

每個小男孩都有這樣的過渡期嗎? 我想每個孩子都有些獨一無二的狀況。我承認兒子常常在測試我的耐心極限, 使盡所有以前用來教學生的把戲之後, 我還是沒有建立任何老師的威嚴, 在兒子眼裡, 我就只是媽媽而已。昨天又為了在跆拳道愛說話發了他一頓脾氣, 忽然在鏡子裡看見我皺眉咆嘯的臉孔, 很猙獰。

不管今後兒子表現如何, 我還是會一直學習怎麼做個更好的媽媽。我還是會蹲下用他的高度聽他說話, 真心接受他的反省。我還是會抱著他在睡前說個故事, 讓他知道媽媽愛他, 在媽媽心裡他永遠是個寶貝。

教養孩子的路還很長很長, 希望我時時提醒自己, 不要忘記在獎懲之間, 一顆做母親溫柔的心。

For all the parents out there, did anyone tell you raising a child is a lesson you need to constantly work on every second of the day? No one ever told me that before I brought two lives into this world. And the scary part is, there isn't a specific authority go-to figure who can always give you the right answers when you don't know what to do. It's not like you want chicken nuggets, you go straight to McDonalds. You want a $1 movie, you find a RedBox. You see suspicious activities, you call the cops.

Therefore, anyone who has kids can be the professional in parenting. Anyone who doesn't have kids can be also be a parenting expert providing a different perspective. Not to mention teachers, conselors, and coaches, their insights on how to praise and discipline kids are highly valued as well. But the truth is, no matter what the other parenting gurus say, when it comes to your own child, you should be the one making the best judgement and decisions.

My 4 and half years old son is a very happy, observant, friendly and expressive boy. When he was 18 months old, he would smile and wave at strangers when I pushed him in the stroller. When he started talking, he recognized the streets in our neighborhood and Grandma's house.  When he started preschool at 3, he couldn't wait to tell me his day. And he asked to go to school during the weekends. When he was 4, he enjoyed "Tom& Jerry" so much and would make friends with any random child in the park within 5 minutes.

However, from a different perspective, my sweet boy, is also very whiny, nosy, chatty and lack of internal self-control. At preschool, he tries to chat with his buddies during instructional time. At school lunch, he tries to be funny and couldn't finish his food.  At Taekwondo practice, he wants to know the new kid's name and can't stand in a straight line. So it turns out, he gets time-outs a lot. And sometimes, unintentionally but inappropriately, gets singled out by teachers and coaches in front of other children and parents.

Are all boys his age like this? I don't know. Every child is unique in his/her own way. But I do know at times, my son is pushing my level of patience. Yesterday, I saw how ugly my face was in the mirror when I yelled at him. After trying all my teacher strategies, (plus the Chinese parenting books saying "not" to reward or threaten your child), I failed to establish my teacher authority to my son. After all, I'm just his mommy. In the mean while, he continues to be who he is - happy, observant, friendly and expressive on one day; whiny, nosy, chatty and lack of self-control on another.

I realized no matter how my son did at school or at Taekwondo, how he got lectured or time-outs by teachers, coaches or even us, at the end of the day, he is still just my little boy. I would still kneel down to his height, listen to what happened to his day and how he promised to do better. I would still read him a bedtime story and give him a long hug, tell him I love him very much and how special he is in my heart.

Between all the rewards and consequences, please don't let me forget the tenderness in a mother's heart.

Book Review: 團圓 / Immigrants

和好姊妹在台北逛花栗鼠兒童書店時發現了這本童書 -  團圓，嚴實的用塑料薄膜包裹著，一本正經的被放在書架上，好像深怕別人偷看了裡面的故事。我被書名和封面吸引，儘管看不到故事的內容，我還是買下了帶回來準備講給兒子聽。湊合著床前的昏黃小燈，這ㄧ講可不得了，哭點很低的我淚水直打轉，眨著眼睛聲音還差點哽咽。

兒子還小，不懂鄉愁，不懂離別，更不懂團圓之後的離別。

故事裡小女孩的爸爸在外地蓋房子， 一年只能回家一次，就是過年的時候。從一開始見面對爸爸有些陌生，到和爸爸一起包硬幣在湯圓裡，穿新衣拜新年，幫忙爸爸整修房子，看舞龍舞獅，堆雪人，小女孩和爸爸開心的相聚，時間卻過得很快，爸爸又要收拾行李出遠門了。

在中國，每年有無數的移民工人從農村到城市尋找工作，因為政府的戶籍制度，他們無法在落腳城市取得居民合法身分，沒有身分則不能享有城市居民的教育和醫療福利。大多數的移民工人住在雇主搭建的宿舍裡，賺取微薄的薪水，幾乎與外界隔絕，有家眷的只能每年過年時見一次面。

12 年了，我這個美國第一代移民掙得了自己一塊小小的位置，也試著每年回家一次。什麼時候，在中國境內的移民人口也能篳路藍縷，城鄉相融?

I came across this children's picture book written in Mandarin while I was hanging out at a children's bookstore in Taipei. It was all wrapped in platic and I couldn't see what the story was about at all. However, I love the book title - Tuan Yuan (It means "reunion" in Mandarin.) and the illustration on the book cover. So I brought it back home and read it to my son as a bed time story. It turned out, my tears unexpectedly ran like a broken faucet.

The little girl's father comes home only once a year for a couple of days. He builds houses in other cities in China and he just came home for the Chinese New Year. Through putting a coin in sticky rice balls, visiting friends, doing maintenance work on the house and watching dragon dance together, the little girl enjoyed the short period of time she had with her father, until it's time to say goodbye again.

Millions of "immigrant labors" in China moved from farm villages to cities, looking for jobs to feed their family. Despite the extended period of time they stay in the cities, the government considers them as temporary city residents. These "immigrant labors" don't share the same benefits in health insurance and medical care as the existing city residents. They live in dorms specifically built for them by their employers. Working long hours and making minimum wages, most of them don't have much contact with the actual city life. Moreover, since their children don't have the equal rights to attend the city public schools, their family usually stayed behind in the farm villages. Sadly, many children in the farm villages only get to see their father (sometimes both parents) once a year.

Being one of the countless first generation immigrants to the United States, my reunion with my extended family also happens once in a year. Although I made close to minimum wages as a former public school teacher, I had access to affordable health insurance and managed to purchase a suburban house. My children will benefit from free public education unil 12th grade wherever we choose to live.

In a way, I am grateful of this land of equal opportunities. While Jeremy Lin continues to prove "Linsanity" is not "Linished", I guess I have proved a FOB can become a credential teacher, too - and a pretty darn good one.

Home 回家

On October 27, 1999, I carried two heavy luggage cases and moved from Taipei to Torrance, California. I left my family, friends, and everything I was familiar with behind for an unknown new beginning. At that time, I didn't know I would call myself a Californian one day. Nor did I know I would start my own family here.

Ever since we moved to Fremont 7 months ago, I gradually found how much I miss Torrance, the school I taught at, and even the Pacific Ocean. There is nothing wrong with Fremont, especially with all the Chinese restaurants and stores a full time mommy can hope for. There is nothing wrong with the house we are renting either, other than the occasionally stucked garage door. However, every once in a while, I still complained that I want to go back to Torrance, almost as often as how I nagged about moving back to Taipei years ago.

I couldn't help but thinking: How do you call a place "home"?

When I was little, my parents moved us from one renting place to another due to a variety of reasons. I didn't feel much (or had any choices) at the time. Until I moved out of the little island, I start to envy people who always have a place to go back to in Taiwan. It could be just a tiny old apartment. The bedroom probably hasn't changed much since high school. But that's yours. That's where you grew up. That's where all the memories were.

In August 2007, my son was three months old. We bought our first house in Torrance. I remembered looking at it as the painters painting all the wall colors I picked. I thought, " This is where my home is going to be. The memories with my big guy and my little one will start here from now on. "

Who knows less than four years, we had to rent our house out and moved to Fremont for another new beginning. My baby daughter is too young to remember anything. But my big guy definitely misses his childhood friends and family. From our trip back to Torrance last month, I saw how hard it was for my 4 years old son to say goodbye to his friends and grandparents.

My big guy said, " Home is wherever you and the kids are now."

I feel the same way, too. But somehow, "home" means more to me than just being with my big guy and little ones. It's a place where I can plant my root in. It's a place where I can comfortably fit in and belong to. It's a place with people I love and people who love me. So, my home is in Taipei. It is in Torrance. And who knows?  Maybe it's even in Fremont.

One day, I hope with our love and guidance, my little ones will find their way home simple, direct, and without doubts, too.